As of late I have found myself with a lot of time on my hands. Which is to euphemistically say that while the other two blunt judges have been industriously employed with employment and law school I have been...not. Which is cool, whateves, I'm not worried, the economy, the recession, who saw that coming, not the Lehman brothers, right? Right?
So in lieu of being productive, I have watched a shit load of films. And thus begins THE CHRONIC - WHAT! - LES OF THE UNEMPLOYED, or, DIARY OF A MAD ETHNIC UNEMPLOYED EMPLOYEE, or, UNEMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, so on and so forth. I’ll think of some puns soon.
So to catch you even more up to speed, here are some of the gems that have been occupying my time:
I Could Never Be Your Woman
I could never live without these significant looks.
Dir.: Amy Heckerling
Cast: Paul Rudd, Michelle Pfeiffer, Saoirse Ronan, Tracy Ullman, Jon Lovitz
Obscure British Cast: David Mitchell, Sarah Alexander, Graham Norton, Archie Panjabi, Mackenzie Crook
STOP IT PAUL RUDD, I CANT.
Plot, Which is Obvious, I’m Being Redundant Telling You This: Paul Rudd is a young, single, actor man. Michelle Pfeiffer is an old(er), divorced, T.V writer, mom woman. They are genitally attracted to each other but socially prohibited from dating.
The Semi-Review: Let me preface this by saying I enjoyed I Could Never Be Your Woman immensely, and not in an ironic-hipster way - I straight up liked this movie. I don’t know if I should attribute this statement to my quickly deteriorating pride, but this is the creme de la creme of rom-coms. I mean, the cast alone is stellar enough. Paul Rudd is Paul Rudd on overdrive, doing shizz like this:
Michelle Pfeiffer is so sweet and funny and very Anderson Cooper-esque pouty. Saoirse Ronan, whose name makes me feel uncultured and unworldly, made me forget the 15 minutes I watched of The Lovely Bones. And what about this ridiculous casting of amazing British people? When do I see David Mitchell and Graham Norton in the same 'Murican movie? Although they were all underused it was exciting just seeing them on screen. Also, someone should forward the lighting crew’s information to Barbara Streisand, because everything looked beautiful! Each scene had the light of a Garance Dore photo.
"Hey gurl."
The Closure: The poster did not do this movie justice. I was surprised by the surreal comedic elements with Tracy Ullman’s Mother Earth character - which aren’t straightforward rom-com fair. Watching this film was like watching Damages (hear me out). We all know what the ending is going to be, but the interesting bit is seeing how events unfold. ALSO, the rating is 60% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes so wah POW! Bonafide cinema, outta my way Coppola, both of youse.
David Mitchell. This picture is not from this movie, but I think it ends this semi-review on a suitably poignant note.
The Rebound
No significant looks, but significant hand placement galore.
Dir.: Bart Freundlich
Cast: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha, Art Garfunkel! HAYO!
Plot: It may or may not be closely similar to the previous film. I will let you decide based on the poster.
You're right, asian poster. The washer and dryer had to go.
The Semi-Review: I’m going to obliterate any sense of shame or aspirations to be intellectually elite by saying I fucking loved this movie and watched it twice in a row. But who can’t appreciate a repressed housewife’s fight to forge a career, create a home for her children, and find love in a younger man who appreciates her more than her controlling husband? I know it sounds horrible. And amazing.
The obligatory talking the girl down from a scary high bed scene.
There are no technical feats in this movie, but that doesn’t matter. The most important thing is that the casting is bang on. Justin Bartha is... a revelation. (Again, so not ironic, I’m being sincere). I’ve only seen him in The Hangover and Holy Rollers - where he was both an excellent absentee groom and rebellious Hassid. While I wasn’t expecting much here, I was suprised by how perfect he was as a romantic male lead. There’s one particular scene in his parent’s kitchen with Catherine ZJ -which I won't spoil for you because it is that good - which captured, if not my heart, then definitely my ovaries. CZJ (I’ll have shortened her name to numbers by the end of this review) is surprisingly likable as well, as a woman who immediately gets a sports writing job based only on a statistics binder she created as a stay-at-home mom. And the children! I generally hate kids in everything but the little boy who plays her son is MAGIC.
BAM! Chet Haze outta the way, Arty G is is playing a dad up in hurr!
The Closure: It is a perfect exercise in formulaic RomComs done well. Expert craftsmanship, that was unfortunately sent straight to DVD.
Les Diaboliques
Dir.: Henri-Georges Clouzot
Cast: Simone Signoret, Véra Clouzot, Paul Meurisse
Plot: The mistress and wife of an abusive headmaster decide to tag team his murder. But things get weirdsies when his body goes missing.WHAT!
I'm no Crate & Barrel expert but those are some nice taps.
The Semi-Review: And now, let us turn our attention to the film that helped inspire Psycho. Despite all the critical praise, I was surprised by how tense I was throughout the majority of this film. The plot hangs on the oddly honest relationship between the mistress and wife who work as teachers under the headmaster. For the Mad Men crowd there’s ample slapping around of both women, but what’s interesting is seeing this Thelma and Louise relationship evolve. I don’t want to say too much because this is a thriller and the ending is BOSS. So boss that according to Wikipedia, it inspired Fatal Attraction’s ending. So if inspiring Psycho wasn’t endorsement enough, now you know that it’s certified quality cinema.
Stank eyes are never lost in translation.
The Closure: The slow feeling of horror that this film created is the greatest. It’s clearly mirrored in Psycho’s muscles-slowly-clenching-in-unconscious-tension atmosphere. Come for the timid, nervy heroine who doesn’t irritate you (Tippi Hedren in The Birds, I’m looking at you) and for the honesty and blase attitude with which the French treat adultery. But stay for the absolutely gorgeous costuming. Shirt dresses and trench coats and ray bans and full skirted gingham dresses, which are only enhanced by this amazing cinematography. Shadows will always be both scary and picturesque.
I’ve watched a slew of other films but this is perhaps enough updating for now. I’ll keep you posted, because the unemployment chronicles will most definitely continue.
Another poignant picture to end on.
I would just like to say that a)David Mitchell is the man, I have a Sunday morning ritual of reading his column in the Guardian, and b)"Chronic" jokes on a blog called 'blunt' judges is pretty much just awesome.
ReplyDeletecheerio
I knew Bart Freundlich sounded familiar! Who knew Julianne Moore's husband had actually done shit other than red carpets? This intrigues me more than that suggestive hand-on-thigh action. Why can't the Japanese teach their children how to be able to handle American innuendo (I mean, in-your-endo…WAHPOW! HOOPEE!)? These poster comparisons need to become a regular feature. They are, collectively, a goldmine.
ReplyDeleteI feel like Prime would have been a natural place to go after your first two films, but HEY NOW, I'm glad you did a 180 (not 360, because that's full circle, every other idiot who uses this expression). I've been dying to see Les Diaboliques for yeeeeears. That and Night of the Hunter. I expect maximum creepiness out of both. And I hope things get extra weirdsies.
I hereby request that you review Night of the Hunter in the words of Kenny Powers. I will pay you in gold bullions.